Self-Doubt is a Bitch

           I am running out of juice.  The task before me has no visible steps and only leaves question marks.  Where am I going to live?  How am I going to pay for this?  Who will be with me on this journey?  Where will I find support and who will I receive condemnation from?  So on and so forth.  My questions are becoming so pervasive that I am losing the sense of strength that I began this journey with.  I began with a strong sense of call and reckless faith and now it's morphing into worry, too many damn questions, and an extreme sense of self-doubt; how can I do this?! How can I possibly make this happen?!?!
            I am not unlike many that have a task before us that requires faith.  "Now faith is the confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." - Hebrews 11:1   Blah, blah, blah.  That sounds lovely when we need comfort or set out on a track that is exciting with new challenges without reserve but is seemingly lame when WE NEED ANSWERS!  I need some concrete answers on how I'm going to logistically do this and currently I'm coming up empty.  Confidence in the unseen is hard when there are bills that need to be paid and housing needs to be met.

Am I doubting God or am I doubting myself?

              Last weekend I had the pleasure of attending a weekend retreat with 4 other individuals that feel called to ministry in some capacity.  When asked how come we haven't pursued our "call" in this way and that way; the overarching theme wasn't that we doubted God but rather worry, logistics, and fear ruled.  Not once did I hear someone say they weren't carrying out their call right then and there because they doubted God.  Our focus and energies weren't on God's providence but rather on our own inabilities, worries, and fear.    

              What happens when we toss aside self-doubt, worries, and fear and begin to direct our energies towards what God can do and does do? What would happen if I began to focus on God's provision instead of my questions?  Well, that still doesn't pay the bills, right?!  Or will it?  If He calls us to something He will deliver.  This isn't necessarily faith in the unseen but rather looking back at what God has already done in our lives and the lives of others.  He may not deliver in time to quiet our fears.  He may not deliver in time for interest not to accrue and He may not deliver in time for us to not have to eat food pantry food for a while.  God will not allow us to go without.  If you haven't seen this play out in your own life, start paying attention to the lives of other faithful followers for examples of this provision.   As for me and my situation?  Blah. Blah. Blah. on the confidence on what I hope for and the assurance about what I do not yet see. Seriously, blah, blah, blah.  But I look at my life and the lives of others and take comfort in knowing what God has done in the past and I see what He is doing in the lives of others around me; in that my confidence lies and drowns out my self-doubt.