The Distance No One Wants

Seminary creates a distance from you and others...

     Perhaps I cannot speak for all, but I know this to be true for me and many cohorts.  It’s not about “knowing” or “learning” the truth.  Many people skeptical of religion and those that study it assume that those well studied form pious opinions and somehow think that we’ve found the holy grail but everyone else is just lost.  That is not me, nor is that 98% of my seminary peers. This is not just exclusive to seminarians but rather to anyone who really delves into the Divine.  Here is what it often times does...
     It enlightens us through education and spiritual formation (aka, emotional military for the spiritual).  It challenges us in ways that lay individuals are not challenged in their churches, at home, or with friends.  It forms us into different people than when we started, and when the painful aching and realization hits - we are mostly, if not totally, alone with our partners, our children, our parents, our family’s.  We are different and it sucks.  A giant weight is on our shoulders of which we cannot ignore nor decline its demands.
      The world comes into a different light.  You see differently.  You hear differently.  You process differently, and once you have crossed that line, the Call, the Knowing, is simply too strong to deny or decline.  It separates. It’s something else to function in your beloved personal world where most of what goes on inside of you and who you are/what you are becoming is almost secretive.  It’s almost secretive because we cannot give what we have and we cannot expect those we love to arrive at the same place, same journey, either. After all, that would be counter to God’s divine desires for humankind. This has nothing to do with salvation or knowing Christ but rather it deals with Divine revelation through this spiritual boot-camp know as seminary and is reveled by self-knowledge, revelation, and the inevitable knowing that it is God who flows in us and through us.
      It’s not flowers and rainbows; it’s painful, hard, gut-wrenching, soul-breaking, work.  Anyone who is taking the process of seminary seriously, in my opinion, will inevitably have part of their soul destroyed.  And yes, it’s as awful as it sounds but in order for the new to come, the old must go and its our nature to cling to what we know.  Spiritual pain and lack of direction isn’t always God leaving you or changing what He/She once told you the light while you are now in the darkness; it’s reformation. This is extremely well and necessary for the Christian and, hell, any human being to go through and arrive at, however, it makes you not your own.  And when you are not your own, suddenly the relationships you used to have or have begin to look differently; less connected.  Again, I cannot speak for every seminarian, however, the disconnect for me comes with not being understood.  I deeply, so very deeply, long for my heart and soul to be understood.  The further I delve into the spiritual as an intellectual and as an emotional being, the further I get from who I used to be and become formed into who I am supposed to be; this often times is a wedge.
       A longing to be known and connect in your realm is created.  But what do we do when few, with the exception of seminary friends, knows of our deepest needs and changes?  How do we engage with our loved ones without some sense of frustration for being so separate? I wouldn’t change my call in life for anything, but one thing I petition to God for is, “Please, just let them know me”.

Outcast

      As a 2nd year seminary student, the public and some family members have been holding me to a certain set of standards of which I am not obliged to follow.  It’s been an interesting trip to discover the public’s understanding of what I am, who I am, or WHO I belong to due to being enrolled in Seminary.  What I have learned, per freedom of speech (of which I exercise daily) and this election year is that people have a very skewed idea as to what a Pastor or Priest should or shouldn’t believe and do AND people assume that I am already liked a caged Priest lion that is shackled into having to watch my p’s and q’s.

     To much of my delight, I am not yet burdened with having to fret about losing parishioners due to statements I make in leadership.  I can take a stand for the things I believe in on social media and the only fret I have is that somewhere in my future I won’t get a job because I took an ethical stance for something I believed in.  The monetary part of me thinks, “just be quiet”.  The Spiritual part of me says to “preach/take a stand for the things in which God has laid on your heart. Don’t be fearful but trust the Lord.  The Lord is above monetary comfort and our call as Christians isn’t to be comfortable but to be revolutionary in the name and imitation of Christ”.  Therefore, I am in the perfect position to proclaim unpopular beliefs.  If I appall individuals in the process, so be it.

      I had a family member say to me in response to a post on Facebook about businesses not being business savvy for posting giant signs advocating for Trump, "you know I love you. I think you enjoy making posts like this. You get people's hearts pumping and blood boiling”.  To be clear, I deplore any issue that divides me from those I love. It is never my desire to push an issue that creates separation.  In my world I desire cohesiveness.  I desire harmony.  I desire peace. But for me, there is no peace when there are people in this world that work for and support injustice.  

      I am a Christian Pluralist. I am both pro-life and pro-choice. I believe that in today’s political terms that Jesus was and is a Liberal (This is different from a Democrat).  I believe in delivering safe needle kits to intravenous drug users.  I believe not drug testing welfare recipients. I believe in teaching "non-traditional” but socially conscious Christian sexual ethics in the church. I believe in marriage. Period.  I am pro legalizing marijuana. I believe in a large array of humanitarian efforts, policies, and protections; all this being justified and reconciled in my faith.  

      In my year and a half of seminary, I have discovered that those of us who are educated in religious studies, racism, sexism, classism, and prejudice in this day and age are often outsiders that stir or offend even the simple and complex believers in our families and friend circles.  As leaders in the church our charge is not to meet the status quo or find a comfortable homeostasis within our churches and communities. Our charge is to move us closer to a life together that is cloaked in Christ and help usher in the Kingdom of Heaven.  So the question is to ask ourselves (clergy & lay alike) what qualities does a world or a person need to possess to do that? 

      I’ve been mulling over responding to my family member for the last several weeks.  Night after night it became apparent to me that I couldn’t just not respond in an effort to create some false sense of peace.  I responded, "I’ve been pondering your statement above for the last two weeks. For everyone, if we all stayed silent about the things we believe; if we all were afraid of of rocking the boat; if we all allowed ourselves to let someone else fight for what is ethical and right, then nothing in the history of humanity would have ever or will ever evolve. It takes minority voices and voices in the majority speaking out for the minorities to make change and create space in this world for what is right."   Do I believe that hearts should be pumping and blood boiling over certain injustices in this world? YES!  

Peace is not real peace if it’s founded in apathy or ignoring and/or waxing over issues. 

Growing Up WHITE with COPS; The Boys in Blue

The Boys in Blue

        I’d be remiss to not write my perspective on the seemingly civil war that is going on in America today.  More than ever in the history of our country, we are acutely aware of police brutality and the colors it chooses.  We have moved into a era where more whites are aware of the injustice done by the privilege that our skin color provides.  More whites are taking up their cross for civil liberties across the board.  This combined with the digital era where news is made available to people across the globe within minutes of events occurring has created a cauldron of anger, frustration, and hate.  This cauldron is pushing people to their boiling point; we are there.

         The Black Lives Matter movement is not new to the black race.  They have been fighting for their lives for centuries.  The difference now is that blacks have all the civil liberties that whites have always had and whites that are around the millennial cusp are now on board with much of the discrimination that “minorities” experience.  The difference is that within moments we are aware of hate crimes being committed.  Enough is enough and we know too much now to go back.  Those who are educated people around my age are aware through our education that with having white skin comes many privileges; most that go unrecognized because we are so accustomed to reaping the benefits from being born with the “right” skin.  

         I grew-up with two VERY close family members being police officers.  My perspective of our family was that we were a “Blue Blood” family.  My sister and I at one point, due to feeling left out of the Blue Blood identification, created a song many years ago called, “The Blue Blood Sisters”.  It was a ridiculous song based on the ridiculous principle that part of our identification came with having police officers for primary people in our family.  One of the officers in our family became a police officer in the early 60’s and served law enforcement till just a few months ago.  He went through the civil rights movement on the nightstick side of things.  The other police officer in our family followed suit 20 years later.  They served in the same area and in much of the same capacities.  

        I’ve been privy to much discussion about the racial tension presently in our country and the opinions of the Black Lives Matter movement vs. Police Officers (because that is how they perceive it).  Both state that given the conditions of today they would NOT chose to be a police officer again and they would implore any loved ones choosing to go on the force to not do so.  They are both retired now but state that if they were still serving, they would fear for their lives in several different ways.  As a Pastor in training and a social worker, I have to exude a lot of effort to keep my mouth shut during these discussions, even with the wives of the two men in my family that served.  It’s a fine line to straddle when trying to open white, heterosexual, males to their privilege.  The whites that don’t agree with the Black Lives Matter Movement and push All Lives Matter do not want to acknowledge their privilege.  The people that push Blue Lives Matter do not understand what the inherent issue is. 

        The issue is race. The issue is excessive force. The issue is power, control, privilege, prejudice, and discrimination.  The issue is what we PERCEIVE is a threat and if you can tell me that we as white people are NOT conditioned to perceive black people as a threat to some extent, then you aren’t acknowledging our history; systemic racism that is embedded into our white souls. The root of this IS NOT at the heart of law enforcement. The root is prejudice and discrimination; how we are conditioned.  Law Enforcement is just an exposed means for a venue of our prejudice and discrimination.  

         There are good cops and bad cops.  Police officers that make a difference in peoples lives and police officers that destroy others lives.  The game changer is going to be for Police Officers and Whites to take responsibility for their party's involvement and work to eradicate these wrongful structures built in our minds about race.  My two close family members are good men.  They are integrity filled men that have truly worked to make our world more just.  However, getting them (getting us) to acknowledge our privilege and how that is such a strong rudder for us is a difficult feat.  

Newton’s 3rd Law: For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

Best put I’ve heard on the subject.  Please check this link out for Radio DJ speaking to a police officer on what part of the problem is.  

Take the Fig Leaf Off! We’re Talking Depression.

        The topic of and the experience of depression is typically drenched in shame.  Shame for the person experiencing it, shame for the family and friends that just can’t seem to do a thing for their loved ones, and shame for those who care but just think the person suffering is choosing to be miserable; “Just go for a walk they say”.  “Many people have it worse than you”, they say.  “You just need to make up your mind to feel better and you will”, they say.  And aching, painful, shame ensues.
       For the person experience depression, these comments and ways of thinking about depression only heap on more shame, more guilt, more feelings of worthlessness, and further down the depression hole we go.  Sometimes the most pure, loving, intent to snap the depressed individual out of their condition can be extremely detrimental.  It’s a fine line that takes those caring for and loving someone who struggles with depression to do the work to become educated on how to cope with their depressed loved ones.
       Though we as a society have become more aware of the prevalence and symptoms of depression, we still live in a state of negative social stigma.  I have so much respect for my peers that have stepped out with courage and been public with their struggles with depression, bi-polar disorder,  and borderline personality disorder.  They help pave the way for more individuals to come forward and share their experiences with whatever mental health difficulties they may.
       Personally, I’ve experienced extreme depression brought on by Seasonal Affective Disorder.  AKA, I hate the winters in Michigan.  After living in sunny Colorado for 5 years, this transition has been the worst.  My symptoms of depression with this are the general self-loathing, struggling to find why I matter, a shit ton of negative self-talk, inability to get out of bed, sleeping 12-15 hours a day, and feeling really fuzzy in the head.  The fuzz in the head part has caused me to be unable to focus on my reading for Seminary (90% of my workload is reading).  The absolute disappointment and shame of not be able to get up for school and do my work has compounded my feelings of worthlessness and even more shame.  I had a friend/classmate yesterday respond to my explanation of my struggle with depression this semester tell me that I just needed to “manage my time better”.  I’ll just let you figure out how I felt about that. I told a professor the other day that sometimes I just feel like a prisoner of my mind and body.  Nothing I do let’s me out of that space. I want to be able to make my mind up to move past this blackness but I can’t will it and it feels so defeating.
      I saw an illustration of depression the other day.  It was a man that was as black as black could be, zipping up the suit of his normal body to go out into the world to work for the day. That’s how I feel most days lately.  I have to suit up and wear a happy face to get my obligations taken care of.  Being a generally easy going, laughable, humorous, jolly, gal - to maintain that standard during seasons of depression is exhausting! It’s not that I’m pretending but there’s something much deeper and darker going on inside.
     Depression can affect anyone of us.  Attending seminary and having to be vulnerable with our peers for the benefit of our formation has opened my eyes; so many of us deal with this.  No one profession is exempt (I’m sure we’d all like think our pastors and Priest are exempt), therapist, teachers, politicians, etc.  In conclusion, please practice compassion with those you come in contact with.  You truly never know what battles they are facing or if they had to “suit” up for the day.  Educate yourselves on depression and how to love someone facing it.  In your attempts to love, you might damage.  In your attempts to uplift, you might hurt.  When one practices compassion, one can never go wrong.

     

Wanna Be Pastor as a Person

        My original intention for this blog site was to attempt to take us through my seminary experience.  Instead it’s been more of a sounding board for my thoughts on God and such.  In the spirit of my original intention......

       I cuss. I drink. I like to cuss. I like to drink.  I enjoy a tasteful, dirty joke here and there.    Sometimes I like to get rowdy - have an evening out of laughter, drinks, and dancing. I have mostly good days but some bad days too and my bad days are really baaad days.  One thing I’ve always prided myself on was never presenting myself as someone that I am not - good or bad.  That’s actually gained a lot of respect and liking from others.  I’ve been successful, socially and vocationally because of my genuineness, passion, drive, and intellect.  BUUUUT................
      Here I find myself trying to be a Pastor.  It’s a glorious thing! It encompasses all the disciplines that I adore and have studied and worked in; education, psychology, ministry, and social work.  Not to mention, I’ve felt called to full-time ministry since I became a believer at 17.  I’m in the process of fulfilling my life’s calling.  HOWEVER, I’m starting to feel like I’m morphing into something a little phony.  Granted, I’m in the learning process of this pastor bit but dang.  I’m having to curb what I say on Facebook; something as small as the picture I once posted of someone getting their sink faucet finally fixed with wine pouring out of it instead of water - I once loved to post that and now I just send a few close friends it in a private messages. I haven’t said the word fuck in a post in far too long. And son of a bitch! I’ve always got to be happy and ON! And not only that, but I’m always giving.  Giving to my academics, giving to my family and friends, giving to the church, working for the good of parishioners, ANNNND working to have the best darn relationship with God I can possibly have.  Because as a leader, my relationship with God and integrity I exude filters into the water that my community drinks; good or bad; whether they know it or not. It’s so taxing! The tension I feel from not being completely me all the time eats at me.
      There’s so much pressure. So much energy expended.  And quite frankly, because of my position, hardly anyone to pour energy into me.  The funny thing is that when you become a pastor, people like to think that you’ve completely given your life over to God.  We know that his ways are higher than our ways, and they are! But, for some of us, we can’t live on God alone.  Thankfully, I am not alone in my journey.  I have some friends at Seminary that are going through some of this as well.
       We’re in the formation part of our ministry and admittedly so, we only have our training wheels on.  There is lots to learn on how to care for ourselves, who we can seek care and energy from, discerning who we can act a fool around, and accepting that God chose us for his work.  Truthfully, that doesn’t make much sense to me but then again, I’m certain the Apostles never thought, “Heck yeah, Jesus! I’m so the man for the job”! God has a funny way of doing things counter to what makes sense and our nature all the time. ;)