I cuss. I drink. I like to cuss. I like to drink. I enjoy a tasteful, dirty joke here and there. Sometimes I like to get rowdy - have an evening out of laughter, drinks, and dancing. I have mostly good days but some bad days too and my bad days are really baaad days. One thing I’ve always prided myself on was never presenting myself as someone that I am not - good or bad. That’s actually gained a lot of respect and liking from others. I’ve been successful, socially and vocationally because of my genuineness, passion, drive, and intellect. BUUUUT................
Here I find myself trying to be a Pastor. It’s a glorious thing! It encompasses all the disciplines that I adore and have studied and worked in; education, psychology, ministry, and social work. Not to mention, I’ve felt called to full-time ministry since I became a believer at 17. I’m in the process of fulfilling my life’s calling. HOWEVER, I’m starting to feel like I’m morphing into something a little phony. Granted, I’m in the learning process of this pastor bit but dang. I’m having to curb what I say on Facebook; something as small as the picture I once posted of someone getting their sink faucet finally fixed with wine pouring out of it instead of water - I once loved to post that and now I just send a few close friends it in a private messages. I haven’t said the word fuck in a post in far too long. And son of a bitch! I’ve always got to be happy and ON! And not only that, but I’m always giving. Giving to my academics, giving to my family and friends, giving to the church, working for the good of parishioners, ANNNND working to have the best darn relationship with God I can possibly have. Because as a leader, my relationship with God and integrity I exude filters into the water that my community drinks; good or bad; whether they know it or not. It’s so taxing! The tension I feel from not being completely me all the time eats at me.
There’s so much pressure. So much energy expended. And quite frankly, because of my position, hardly anyone to pour energy into me. The funny thing is that when you become a pastor, people like to think that you’ve completely given your life over to God. We know that his ways are higher than our ways, and they are! But, for some of us, we can’t live on God alone. Thankfully, I am not alone in my journey. I have some friends at Seminary that are going through some of this as well.
We’re in the formation part of our ministry and admittedly so, we only have our training wheels on. There is lots to learn on how to care for ourselves, who we can seek care and energy from, discerning who we can act a fool around, and accepting that God chose us for his work. Truthfully, that doesn’t make much sense to me but then again, I’m certain the Apostles never thought, “Heck yeah, Jesus! I’m so the man for the job”! God has a funny way of doing things counter to what makes sense and our nature all the time. ;)
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